The following conversation took place at the doctor’s clinic on the oil rig. Using the traditional Arabic toilet hose instead of toilet paper had become second nature to me, but as the summer approaches, the boiler gets hotter. It’s not really necessary to go into an awful lot of details, but let’s just say, my bumhole has third degree burns. Classy, I know.
Me – I’m sorry, how long have you been waiting?
Man – In the waiting room. Yes.
Me – How long? (I smile and point to the clock).
Man – In the waiting room I waiting.
Me – OK… Thanks.
Man – In the waiting room – You waiting?
Me – Yes.
Man – In the waiting room… very good.
Silence for about 5 mins.
Man – Sit, please (man gestures for me to sit down).
Me – I can’t. Pain. (I point to my leg… obviously thinking that pointing to my arsehole would not be a good idea. Man doesn’t look like he’s understood my response.)
Doctor calls next patient. Man enters room.
Silence for about 15 mins.
Enter Doctor and Man speaking what I guess is Hindi, but really have no idea.
Man leaves.
Doctor – Come please.
Me – Thanks.
Doctor – Have a seat.
Me – Eh, that’s why I’m here. I’m having trouble sitting.
Doctor grunts…. like he’s already predicted the reason I’m there. Condescending bastard.
Me – I’ve burned myself. It’s not that serious, but I just wondered if you could have a cream.
Doctor – Yes.
Me – Great.
We both awkwardly stare at each other for about 3 seconds, but it feels like a good 30 minutes.
Me – Eh, so, can I have the cream?
Doctor – Yes.
Doctor hasn’t moved off his seat at all and continues to look at me. If alcohol was permitted on the site, I would think he was trying to see if I was drunk, but since that’s not possible, I figured he was either mentally undressing me or boardline retarded.
Me – Or … eh… shall I … just get it… if … you …tell… me… where… it is?
Doctor – How did you burn yourself?
Me – Cigarette. I put it out in the wrong place.
Doctor – You put a cigarette out on your skin?
Me – Yes. Exactly. Can I…. just get the cream…?
Doctor – Yes. What’s your name?
Me – Shane Callaghan.
Doctor – Country?
Me – Ireland.
Doctor – No.
Me – Sorry…. What?
Doctor – Date of birth?
Me – June 12th.
Doctor – OK.
Me – Actually, it wasn’t a cigarette. I burned myself with the hose.
Doctor – What hose?
Me – The toilet hose.
Doctor (smiling) – Ah, OK. Don’t worry. That happens sometimes here in the summer, it’s a typical plumbing problem. Point the hose down into the water until you get the right temperature.
Me – Do people get frostbite in the winter then?
Doctor (typing on the computer) – You may experience pain when you discharge solid waste. But it should pass in a few days.
Somehow, I didn’t think it was a great idea to share with him that I was actually more concerned about things going up it than coming out of it, but I sensed he wouldn’t like to hear that concern. He looked like a man that would probably consider it a disgusting lifestyle choice, like being a woman or choosing to be poor.
Me – OK.
Doctor – Do you want a special cushion to sit on?
Me – Now? Or, in general?
Doctor – For a few days.
Me – No. I’m fine. I’ll live with the pain. It’s a bit of a stupid problem.
Doctor – Yes. It is. Anything else.
Me – Eh, no. That’s it. Do I just…
Doctor – Rub it on the affected area. You will notice the results very quickly. Do you want me to take a look at it?
Me – NO. NO. That’s really not necessary. I’m sure it will be fine. I had a look at it and it seemed fine.
Doctor – You looked at it??
Me – I do yoga.
Doctor – Right….
Me – So I can… you know… bend… that… way…. sort of…
Doctor – The doctor will be here at 5, if you would like him to take a look.
Me – Oh, are you not a doctor?
Doctor – No. Of course, not?
Me – Right. It’s just that you’re dressed like a doctor… and it’s a clinic.
Doctor – I’m a nurse.
Me – Oh, right.
Doctor – Not all nurses are women, you know.
Me – Oh, I know. My Mam is a nurse and so is my aunt.
Nurse – Are they women?
Me – Yes, yes, they are women. Well, erm…… thank you for the bum cream…
Beware the dreaded hose. What starts off as a little anal water fun will come back and bite you in the arse one day. Literally…
Shane Callaghan 