Doctor – Have you had any close contact with anyone from China?
Me- No. No one apart from your beautiful self.
I try to sound flirty through my desperate wheezy tone and flash him a cute look with my watery red eyes. My god, this Asian doctor was a hotty.
Doctor – I’m Canadian. His tone is that of utter revulsion.
Jesus, sorry. I thought you looked Chinese. Its not because I think all Asian people are Chinese. It’s because you kinda look like that Chinese Olympic Gold Medalist. You know, the bad guy one. The one that didn’t take his drug tests and then broke a jar of his own piss.
I keep this inner dialogue to myself and stare at the floor while hotty not-from-China doctor types away on the computer.
Doctor – Close contact with anyone who has recently travelled from Italy?
So tempted to reply – yes a guy off grindr but he didn’t specify if he was north or south – we didn’t really get that far. But instead I say
Me – No. No one.
Doctor – Okay so we can rule out Corona. If you want to lift up your shirt I’ll take a look at you.
Me – Oh Hurray. I thought you’d never ask.
He looks at me desperately trying not to smile and scans me up and down. Probably looking for my Make America Great Again tattoo.
A quick piece of advice for you – the reader – when you flirt with someone and it goes horribly wrong but you can’t run away, the only thing you can logically do is …. continue to flirt.
Let me explain the situation so you can understand,
The problem
So for the past couple of weeks, I’ve been feeling a bit shite. Normally when this happens, I switch from having cigarettes and oxygen for breakfast and attempt to put some fruit in my gob. I may also decide to do more healthy things such as having no sauce with my chips, using the steps instead of the wheelchair ramp, washing my towels and, lastly, not putting random pens in my mouth ( yes pens people pens.. No I didn’t forget to type an i. Just pens. I like chewing on pens)
Sometimes, oddly, these changes don’t really work and I get the flu or a fever. The flu is the most unrated winter experience. Yes, you feel like crap and lots of people die but on the flip side – it’s the easiest diet ever, you can catch up on Netflix, paid leave from work and you get loads of attention and sympathy. I love attention – that’s pretty much the entire basis of why I cook and write. God put me here for the compliments. But anyway I digress.
I got the flu basically. Then a chest infection. Then flu again. Then fever. Then Whooping Cough ( more about that in a minute). So yeah – I got very sick. I’m just being a bit more indirect as this post is the only thing I have to do today apart from take a dump, not recycle and be ignored on Tinder.
Doctor – When did you stop smoking?
Me – Oooh that’s cold.
Hot Doctor holds the metal cough thingy that connects to his ears. You know that thing doctors have. I don’t know words. That thing.
Me – I’ve stopped since the beginning of the year
Doctor – I probably shouldn’t say this as a medical professional and don’t quote me
Quote you? I’m writing in a blog that’s going to be read by millions of people (or 5 people)
Doctor – But you picked the worst time to quit smoking
Me – Really. I thought I was doing a great job
Doctor – You are and you definitely should quit. Especially at your age!
Doctor rapidly changes from hottie to total gobshite of a human being, for that last comment. Age! He’s like only a few years younger than me.
Doctor – But in winter the immune system gets low and when you stop smoking, your body does a clean out but your system is already low and you’re sick
Me – So not smoking kinda kicked it when it was already down
Doctor – Exactly
See guys, that’s the kinda crap they should put on the packet. Not a feckin picture of a dead baby saying Smoking Kills. That’s not gonna stop me reaching for a ciggy when I’m on the toilet.
But OK, I know what you’re thinking – so this is a post about visiting a doctor ..gripping. No no. Let me set
The context
So unless you’ve been in a bin – you’ve read about the newest member of the virus family. Named after the popular Chinese beer – Corona – the virus has so far killed more people than lawn mowers or child-safe scissors which has caused alarm all over the world. Except in the U.S where Mike Pence is in charge of the situation.. Thank God.
Corona is some scary shit and it’s odd how there is literally NOTHING about it in the media. I’m joking of course. It’s everywhere. It’s going to kill all of us, immediately and then it’s going to take all our money and burn our houses. Symptoms include denying climate change, coughing, being in a foreign country, and existing.
Like most manufactured things – it came from China but it’s really really important we realise it’s not their fault. It could happen anywhere…. Except in Ireland where events of global impact never happen. Tips for surviving Corona include washing your hands, avoiding foreign people, avoiding anyone who has been near a foreigner, avoiding anyone who has been to a foreign country, avoiding anyone.
If you need more information about Cornoavirus……… what on Earth are you doing reading this. I mean come on – you’ve never learnt anything on this blog page. Literally nothing.
Of all the attention seeking homosexuals out there – only yours truly could develop another really serious cough, that kills 16 million worldwide, in the middle of a coughing epidemic.
What? There’s tonnes of media attention over a new deadly cough. Hang on one second. I’m just gonna go a get a more deadly, less talked about cough. The Whooping Cough. Here I am – with the cough mixture, steroids and antibiotics and I’m getting none of the attention.
But attention isn’t really the problem. The illness is the problem but heres
The result
So yeah, Irish people are great at panicking. I remember during 9/11 the one eyed man that worked in the sweet shop opposite my school ( no, seriously) told us that World War 3 had started and the Russians had bombed the U.S. I quickly went home and enquired if we had a bomb shelter. In fact, we didn’t.
We love a good panic here in Ireland and we should embrace it. From Irish Mammy’s rapidly stocking up on bread, to tabloids claiming that we’re all gonna die – we are in panic mode. So clearly a perfect time to develop a Whooping Cough. If you don’t know what a whooping cough is – long story short – you cough so violently, it literally takes all the air out of your lungs and chokes you and then forces you do take a massive forced inhale. It is basically the most dramatic, loudest, attention seeking cough imaginable. Oh and then your eyes stop working because the muscles in your bottom eyelids don’t open.
So I want you to put that cough, plus the current social energy together. Imagine me getting of a bus … blind with a huge amount of phlegm all over my sleeve. Phlegm, I will discover in the supermarket while buying budget Coco-Pops ( yep that’s 2020 so far .. thanks Jesus… you dick)
Approx 1 hour before meeting Doctor
Taxi Driver – Are you sure you’re fit to drive?
Me – I’m not driving. You are.
Taxi Driver – No. I mean are you sure you’re fit to get into a car. Are you well?
Me – No. I’m not well. You’re taking me to the hospital
Taxi Driver – I don’t want to catch anything
Me – Please, I’ll breathe out the window – I have an appointment
He opens the door reluctantly
Taxi Driver – I think you should be at home.
Fantastic advise you idiot. Didn’t know Dublin cab drivers had to pass medical tests to be drivers. Oh what’s that. What. You don’t. Then shut up. But I don’t say that
Me – I know. I just need antibiotics and then I’ll go home
Taxi Driver – I’m not being rude but don’t breathe on me.
Me – That’s not rude, but I do have to breathe. So..
Taxi Driver – I’ve 3 kids at home.
Me – I’m not going to kill them. I just need to go to the hospital. I’ve had this cough for weeks so it’s not Corona.
Guys seriously a second later he turns on the radio. I’m not joking this was literally the next sentence
Radio – “14 day incubation period for Cornoa so it can actually take weeks. Thank you Dr Magan. So it possible to transmit it by coughing?”
Me – Can you put FM104 – this isn’t helping
FM 104 was playing Lil Nas X – Old Town Road
Me – Oh turn it back to the Corona virus. I hate this song – I’d rather be morbidly uncomfortable in the car.
Taxi Driver – I like this song
Guess what gobshite later received a one star review. Go on.. have a guess there.
You see, panic energy, like sexual energy can often block common sense and decency. Had a hell of a time trying to get a cab back from the hospital. So I got on the bus. But I had brought sunglasses with me, in case my eyes stopped working. The glasses wouldn’t help at all except for the fact that people wouldn’t see me trying to get on and off a bus with my eyes closed. Or as my friend gloriously put it – doin a Stevie Wonder walking down the steps on a moving bus.
As luck would have it, another coughing fit starts on the bus. So I start doing my best not to cough and breathing through my nose but I’m like shit I gotta cough man. I move to the door of the bus and pray I can hold it in before the door opens but I fail. Now guys, I can’t stress enough how bizarre this cough sounds. It sounds like dying as you gasp for air but you have to cover yourself because it is contagious and everyone around you is already afraid.
Old blurry woman I can’t see – I think you need to get out of the bus here with me.
She grabs my hand and walks me off while I hear another woman yelling
What is he doing on the bus? Jesus Christ.
I mean what am I supposed to do. Fly? It’s not like I was coughing on her.
Old Blurry Woman – Are you ok? You look awful. I’ll get you a tissue.
Damn it – there was probably phlegm in an unknown place. Dignity isn’t really a dominate theme in these posts anyway. I struggle to get air out but I tell her I live nearby and I can see the signs and thank her for her help.
Old Blurry Woman – I’ll say a prayer to Jesus for you.
Well damn it Jesus defintely listens to old Irish women cause now you have
The HAPPY ENDING
Lads have you ever had steroids? Not like the gym kind but the medicine kind? The doctor prescribed some and told me they may give me a euphoric feeling. About an hour after taking them I decided the best course of action was to take out all the clean dishes and rewash them (while blasting The Lion King soundtrack). I don’t think I’ve ever been happier. I really feel like I connected with those dishes.
But just as I was washing the last one, about 40 minutes in, I just stopped and started uncontrollably crying. I sat down on the floor and just cried. I think it started because I thought about Simba and his Dad. But then I just started to feel really down about life and money and love . After a couple of minutes on the floor and a slightly cold arse, I caught my reflection in the mirror and realised it was just a system of chemicals and it wasn’t real. I’ll be fine.
So I sat down and started writing this and felt really angry half way through for no reason but now I’m fine. I’m gonna write more people…. MORE. That’s all I needed to get my writing inspiration back – steroids, a crippling cough and international panic. Who knew ?
Shane Callaghan 